Archive for the ‘Gurus’ Category

By Seamus Anthony

I like to meditate; I can do it for hours. It was a very liberating experience discovering meditation. Not because I became suddenly enlightened or anything unrealistic like that but simply because it gave me an excellent excuse to do what I already loved to do so well – NOTHING.

Because that’s what meditation is basically, it’s sitting around doing nothing.

Sweet. How hard is that?

Not very.

Not when you’ve had as much practice at it that I have. You see I come from a long line of very, very lazy dudes. When faced with the choice of doing something constructive or simply sitting down with a nice hot cup of tea, the people in my family always choose the couch and cuppa option.

But meditation gives you a great way to do much the same but come off as looking a lot more constructive than you really are.

It’s a bit like how governments reclassify unemployed people (by putting them into training programs) so that they can say the unemployment rate has gone down.

In the past, when my girlfriend walked in on me sitting on a milk crate staring at the plumbing attached to the outside of the back-wall of the house and asked me what the hell I thought I was doing, I used to have no choice but to mumble “uhhh, nothing …sorry” and then rush off to do the dishes or whatever to make amends.

Nowadays I puff my chest up, act all insulted, “DO YOU MIND? I am MEDITATING and you are disturbing me! GO AWAY!”

So I reckon being a Zen master teaching meditation would have to a pretty cool job. I would be perfectly qualified for that job. And what a job! Power over people and a complete lack of any task whatsoever. I should start my own “consultancy” and charge fifty bucks a head per hour…

I can imagine it now… (insert Happy Days-style ‘daydream sequence’ wobbly-lines fade-out here)

“How to Sit on a Cushion and Do Nothing” By His Supreme Holiness Zen Yogi Master Seamus Shrinduparindada LazynaraTao

The Master walked in, said “Right you lot – just sit there and shut up!” and promptly did the same.

After ten minutes one of the students put up his hand to ask a question – “I just wanted to enquire as to my posture-”

“Posture?” squawked the Master “POSTURE? What the hell has posture got to do with anything?” He stood up, revealing a back that has been trained as a child to fit perfectly to the contours of any couch. He was a human banana; a walking text-book example of full-scale scoliosis.

“Look at me – I am a MASTER! Do you see me worrying about my posture?” Sitting down again, the Master scowled at the class wearing an expression of open contempt.

“Stop thinking about anything, including your posture – and just sit there and shut up.”

A hand shot up.

“But sir, I read that you should sit up and …”

“Shut UP! How do expect anyone to learn how to meditate if you keep TALKING?”

Ten minutes pass. Most of the students, beginners all, can’t stop wriggling and shuffling on their cushions.

“STOP SQUIRMING!”

Another ten minutes ticks past. One young lady has dropped off to sleep and is snoring ever so slightly. The Master silently rises and walks to where this young lady is having her lotus-nap. He pokes her gently with his foot and whispers:

“Excuse me love.” No response.

“Hel-loooo.” Still nothing.

“OI! MATEY! WAKE UP! YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE DOING NOTHING – NOT SLEEPING!”

That did the trick.

After the group had practiced sitting still and doing nothing for about as long as it took for two people to quietly leave the room (one of them sobbing) and another one to run out screaming about “the voices, the voices”, the Master glances at his Rolex and realizes that his hour of hard work is nearly up.

“Stop meditating and listen up” he barks, “It’s question time.”

(And this is the truly awesome thing about being a self-professed Zen master – you don’t have to know anything because it is in your job description to ridicule any question you are ever asked as being irrelevant and to speak in completely impenetrable riddles.)

Your Meditation Questions Answered

Student: So if I find that I can’t stop thinking while I am meditating what should I do?

Master: Last week I had a really tasty tuna sandwich.

Student: While I was meditating I had a really grand vision of a woman riding a white horse. She brought me a message of peace and prosperity and asked me to share it with the whole world. Was this vision a valid meditation experience?

Master: When we are done here I would appreciate it if you’d stack your cushions in the cupboard up the back.

Student: My back and bum gets all stiff and sore when I meditate.

Master: That’s because your posture’s all wrong – DON’T YOU PEOPLE LISTEN TO A WORD I SAY?

Student: I think I have reached enlightenment!

Master: Oh yeah – sure you have – one meditation class and now you’re the master already?

It’s not as easy as that you know. It’s not like you can just apply yourself and expect it all to fall into place!

It takes many years of training – you must learn to do absolutely nothing ALL OF THE TIME.

Your problem is that you are too motivated. Check your attitude kid or forget about it. I started doing nothing when I was a small boy – you’re forty! You’ve spent your life building up a business empire by always doing things! Being constructive. You’re a mess! Don’t make me laugh!

Student: Now that I have begun my journey into Universal Consciousness, what should I do next.

Master: You should give me that fifty bucks you owe me and get the hell out of here!

By Seamus Anthony Ennis

Well, maybe they do. Truthfully, I wouldn’t know, but I can’t help but reckon that those who walk around claiming to “perfectly enlightened” are probably at least partially faking it – if not out and out bullshitting us all – and so therefore they must have some pretty human moments. Try and picture it with me …

The seminar is over and the Guru has slipped into some casual attire and is down in the hotel lobby having a scotch, listening to the depressingly blue jazz band and trying to catch the eye of a pretty business woman. Unfortunately she turns her nose up at him so he downs his drink and retires to his room; yet another one. They all look the same.

He checks his email. Nothing interesting; just work and irritating questions from a few of the more obsessive disciples. “Why can’t they just switch on their brains and sort out their own problems?” he mutters, “Ah well – it’s a living.”

He flops on the bed and flicks on the TV. Sport. More sport. Bad movies. Oooh! Porn! Oh, unless you pay for it the screen goes blank after thirty seconds…

“Bah,” thinks the Guru. “Might as well turn in, gotta be up early for tomorrow’s flight to Seattle”.

Ok so I made that scenario up – and truthfully it’s most probably a reflection of what I would be like if I got myself a traveling guru gig – but you know…

The Set Up

When I hear people rave on about being perfectly enlightened I can’t help but feel a little cynical. Why do they feel the need to set themselves up to be so flawless?

Well the reason is simple: By setting themselves up as being Enlightened (or Rich, or Fit, or Productive, or Whatever) what they in fact are saying is “I am more Enlightened than you“. (Or rich or whatever.)

This then triggers in you a longing to be like you perceive them to be. Surely then you too can be rid of all that nasty fear, angst, depression, regret and the rest of the bad feelings that come with the package that is “being human”. Proclaiming perfection creates a tension in you, and that tension makes you buy their stuff.

Not that there is necessarily a problem there. If their stuff makes you feel better, even for a little while, then it is probably a good thing. And if all you do is make an effort to learn something and improve yourself a little – then great. But read back over the last line of the preceding paragraph.

See anything wrong with this picture?

Gurus Create Tension!?!

That’s just crazy! Isn’t it their job to relieve you of tension?

Nope.

It should be, but in reality their job description is just the opposite.

The Perfectly Enlightened guru makes you feel un-enlightened. The Perfectly Fit guru makes you feel like a fat slob. The Totally Rich guru makes you feel like a worthless loser. They have to – otherwise you wouldn’t buy their book.

Which might be fine with the Fit guy or the Rich guy (as long as you have, at least to some extent, the wisdom to rise above the Ego and its desire for what it perceives you lack). Chances are they ARE super-fit or super-rich (doesn’t mean they aren’t jerks though).

But the “Perfectly Enlightened” guy? That’s a whole ‘nother story.

Ain’t no such thing, Dude. Ain’t no such thing.

Further Reading:

Zen is Boring

You are already enlightened.

By Seamus Anthony Ennis

It’s just my opinion, and I have no idea what I am talking about, but you – yes, you – have absolutely no clue what the hell is going on.

Yes, you heard me, and that goes for your guru, coach, expert or teacher also.

You see, sometimes when I am at barbecues, beer comfortably resting on my belly, paper plate piled high on my knee, the subject comes up that I write personal development articles and, for better or worse, I cringe. Why? Because the first thing that happens, at least in my mind, is that people look at me and think “Well, what the hell does he know that I don’t? He’s no guru; look at that blob of mayonnaise on his beard! And isn’t that the guy who drank a couple too many at Jo’s party last fortnight and made a fool of himself? Personal development writer indeed – hmmph!”

And the truth is they are right. I don’t know diddly. But neither do ‘they’ and neither, my friend, do you.

You might have chosen to believe certain things, and these beliefs are most likely an integral part of your sense of personal identity. In fact they are probably very useful in keeping you from just collapsing under the weight of a total existential breakdown, but nevertheless…

You. Don’t. Know. Anything. About. Anything.

Believing something is not the same as knowing something. One is a choice, the other is a certainty, and in this life there are no certainties.

Everything you think you know is all just your own unique perspective and is completely unprovable as ultimate truth.

I once saw that great, mad, rambling comic Billy Connolly expound his view on this. Minus a few expletives, he said:

“We are part of something enormous that’s too big for us too understand. … We’ve been looking through the wrong end of the telescope for God … See those wee things that live in ponds … they don’t have a clue that we exist, because we’re too big for them … Well, there’s something too huge for us. We’re the leg of a chair. We’re a cup of tea. We’re something dead simple.”

In other words we just see this little circle of possibility that just doesn’t give us a particularly insightful view of the big picture whatsoever. We are too big for the little water bugs to comprehend, and that, my little insect friends, is our lot too. If you’ve ever seen that email that goes around comparing the relative size of the planets to each other and then to the sun, and then our sun to the other even bigger suns out there until planet Earth is so little it can’t even be seen on the computer screen anymore, then you’ll know what Billy means. We are so, so tiny in the grand scheme of things that we are conceited to think that we will ever understand our Universe …

… and herein lies our freedom.

(”Everybody! Follow me!” screams Connolly, doing a Nazi salute and marching off, “We’ll come back for your valuables later!”)

But seriously, given that you will soon be dead, and given that you can’t be expected to understand God or the big picture, there is simply no good reason why you shouldn’t dream ‘big’ (which will always be comparatively small) and, to reclaim a corporately-hijacked cliché, just do it.

I Don’t Know What I’m Talking About

I don’t know what I’m talking about of course, but in my opinion our mission is to help to raise the vibration of the universe just a little bit. To make a positive contribution. Now, this contribution, even if you became the single most important human being in the history of the world, will by default always be tiny in the grand scheme of things, but in the earthly context of this and subsequent generations, you can help to make our world a better place, and this can bring you (and others) happiness.

Far be it for me to bark orders, but there’s no point trying to understand the Universe, because that is a waste of time, and there’s no point wasting our lives chasing security, because there simply is no security. Soon, very soon, you will be dead and whatever happens after that is anybody’s guess. So be free. Do what you want. Dream a dream and have a go. Sure you’ll need to consider practicalities, and you’ll need to decide whether or not you really do actually want the pressure and risk that comes with being a working astronaut or high-wire trapeze artist, but don’t let others put you off by telling you what-is-what, because those people, be they priest, parent, spouse, whoever, have absolutely no clue – and neither do you.

If you ponder it long enough, I hope you will see the ultimate freedom that lies in this fact: No matter how hard you peer up above you, you will never really know what the heck is actually going in outside of your little muddy puddle, so you are free do what you feel.

My only sub-clause is this: The one apparently apparent fact in this life is that doing good is infinitely more satisfying for any sane person than doing evil. So please don’t use this article as an excuse to do something horrible. After all, it’s not like I have the foggiest idea what I am on about.

Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go and find a napkin to wipe the mayonnaise – and forty seven thousand, three hundred and eighty nine tiny doomed critters – off my beard. Good day to you.

This article was first published in print in Living Now Publishing’s DaretoDream magazine (March 2008, Australia)

You Are Already Enlightened!

That’s right, and no – I’m not joking.

Zen Masters have publicly said that we are all enlightened, the trick is knowing it (or getting in touch with it). And if you haven’t any idea what it feels like to connect to this state of being then all I can say is it is very difficult for anybody to express in words. To briefly try (not the main point of this post) let me paraphrase Rachel Pollack’s words about the Hanged Man tarot card (from her book Seventy Eight Degrees of Wisdom): It’s feeling free to be who you are, even if everybody else thinks you have everything backwards; it’s the feeling of being deeply connected to life.

But here’s the rub: “perfect enlightenment” is probably a myth. A beat up. It’s a bit like saying ‘perfect musicianship’ or ‘perfect scientific methodology’.

These things most likely can’t exist and in fact, certainly in the case of artistic endeavour, absolute perfection ruins things. It stifles the life out of things and therefore makes them inherently imperfect again in some kind of weird feedback loop to nowhere.

The flaws are an integral part of the appeal, of what’s good about things.

And yet “imperfect enlightenment” is so discounted, or just not thought of, as to be almost completely overlooked. This is akin to refusing to acknowledge somebody’s skill (in any given area) just because they are not 100% perfect at what they do: “Sorry mate, you’re great at guitar, but I will only come to hear the most perfectly brilliant player who can prove they are better than Hendrix. Nothing else is good enough.”

And yes, enlightenment is a skill set, one that stems from a knowledge base deep enough to allow for the practising of the skill set. That is why meditation is always referred to as a practise, for when you meditate you are practising enlightened states of being (although meditation is not the only way to do so).

New Age Wankers Ahoy!

Enlightenment has become a bit of a wanker-flag over the last few decades. It brings to mind shonky gold-digging gurus and shiny-toothed charlatans. But bear in mind, these types always claim ‘perfect enlightenment’ and Steve and I here at Rebel Zen are NOT by any means claiming this. We are simply claiming that after a lot of personal work we have improved our already inherent, imperfect enlightenment experience. And so can you. And you can make use of the myriad of information that is available to you – in historically unprecedented amounts – to do it yourself. No gurus needed.

Not that you should discount bona-fide gurus out of hand. If it works for you, go for it. But buyer-beware (and all gurus are selling something, even those who say they aren’t).

And to Prove I’m not a Guru-Basher…

At the risk of sounding like I’m telling you what to do, may I suggest that you don’t meditate or read or pray or chant or practice martial arts or flower arranging to get closer to achieving enlightenment. Rather, do so to improve or deepen the enlightenment experience you are already having.

And for those moments when you truly don’t feel very enlightened at all, when you’ve lost your temper or said something cruel or disappointed yourself, I will leave you with the words of the very inspiring Swami Shankarananda:

“Very often our awareness is limited by our limited understanding of who we are and what the Universe is about.”

Amen.

After all, we are just a bunch of imperfectly enlightened beings, let’s take it easy on ourselves…